We always hear there is a time for everything.... (A time to mourn and time to dance......) It is so poetically written in Ecclesiastes 3. And you'd think you truly understand everything... Until you don't.
That is what happened to me. June 7, 2015 I married the love of my life. A few months into our marriage, we found out we were expecting! It was the greatest news to hear when your doctor confirms that life is growing in yours. Check up after check up we thanked God for a healthy pregnancy and baby. On the day we scheduled our ultra sound to find out the gender of Baby Rodriguez, the technician stares at a flashing screen. The screen on the wall started seeming bigger than my whole life. Colors and flashes filled the entire room (or so it felt like in my head). My heart paced faster and faster and she (technician) said she "cannot see the head" and needed to go call her boss.
I was five months pregnant! Holding my husband's hand harder than ever, I hear 2 nurses enter the room..... "I am so sorry to say...." I was numb. I could not, did not want to hear the following words. It felt as if I was watching myself from up above. Yes, there was a heart beat. But no brain. No activity. Termination- that was the option my doctor told me when I visited him the following day. You see, anencephaly is a birth defect with no hopes of life past 2 months if you are "lucky". My husband and I decided to continue with our pregnancy. We left everything in God's hands. Though it felt like the hardest thing in my life. For someone who likes to keep control of EVERYTHING, this seemed way out of my reach. I prayed to God for a miracle. A sign. A promise. Only time would reveal what God had for us.
My belly got bigger, and so did my worry. I feared doctor's appointments. I feared what others might say to me or think of me. I felt at fault. But only time would tell. May 4, 2016 I entered the hospital because I was scheduled to be induced. All hope, fear, sadness, worry, cry, anxiety was within me. I had the support of so many but felt so alone. Two days into the hospital it was time to push. During the labor process, my husband and I lost our precious baby girl. We named her JOY because despite all suffering, we had God in our lives. Joy. Joy. Joy. I think back at that time, not too long ago, and think how is it that God, given all the opportunity to keep His son, decided to sacrifice Him on the cross for our sins?
I do not know how or what he felt. But on May 6, 2016, I had a better understanding of what that felt like. But it was then that Jesus went to earth to fill a purpose "for such a time as this". Whatever you are going through, whether it be loss, misunderstanding, loneliness, fear... God is with you. This is only a small time in your life and God will be by your side. The world is not over. There is still HOPE. There is still JOY. There is still GOD. On August 20, 2017, God blessed us with another beautiful baby girl whom we named Iris Faith. She is our rainbow baby. She is our happiness. Iris means rainbow, which is the symbol of promise God gave Noah after he flooded the earth. And "Now faith is confidence in what we hope for and assurance about what we do not see" (Hebrew 11:1). God is with you in your best times. He is with you in your worst times. He is with you at all times.