Updated: Jun 18, 2020
When everything that surrounds us seems to be chaotic, full of destruction, and with no peace, a commotion of feelings and interchangeable emotions is created that finds comfort and feeds out of our own sanity.
When all that used to make sense doesn’t make sense anymore, when you have lost control of the things that you own power to, and when your surroundings are transitioning without your hold on it: that is the place where you find yourself vulnerable.
It is interesting to know that God wants to get a hold of us right at these type of moments…
I went through a very rough patch many years ago. To begin, I am one of those girls who has never had really “good luck” in the dating life. Once, I was dating this guy who suited well into what my propinquity and compatibility seem to fit. Everything was perfect, he was respectful, he brought me tulips and chocolates, traveled to different places, was a coffee lover, and overall was my perfect kind of guy. We dated for a few months, he met my family, and for someone like me, that was a really giant step to accomplish. In other words, I felt like he was “the one”.
Having the same goals in ministry and creating a future, our plans seemed to point to a good and prosperous future together. During our relationship, we talked about what God had in store for us. We were both seeking to work in youth ministry, had a pastoral call over our lives, and even in the most minimal details, we seemed to be found and made perfect for one another.
You see, it all seemed perfect. It seemed like I had finally scored and was finished with this dating life deal. It all seemed well! But I should’ve remembered that life always makes sudden turns and even when good things happen in life, it does not mean that those good things are greater than God’s very own plans.
Little by little communication ceased, there were no more phone calls, more busy work days, being occupied, and coldness took over. I had felt so much distance between him and I, so I rushed as a fixer to find a solution because I was completely consumed with the idea that I had found the person whom I wanted to share life with.
All of a sudden he had disappeared from my life. Cold turkey say hello!
I had no clue where he was, so with tremendous chaos in my heart and unanswered questions, I asked God a big giant “WHY!!” And then again I asked, “Why???”
Finding myself completely broken, the biggest fear of losing that confidence, strength, and fierceness in the fact that I was enough came to pass. My person, the character, and my dignity had walked out the door. All of those talks of a future together had been poured over to dust along with my heart, my pride, and my joy. Suicidal thoughts, that had not crossed my mind for over a decade, were back. I felt so much emotional pain that even my very own bones sensed it. I felt the literal meaning of feeling my heart torn apart in a vivid and unending pain.
Now let me say this: the outcome of a broken heart can either destroy the person who you were previously, or turn you into something that you cannot recognize.
I wrestled with thoughts about my own human nature, of feeling dispirited and lonely because no matter how much my family and friends would tell me that I would be okay, that season of pain seemed to be unending.
Weeks went by and I found out that the person whom I had thought to be the ideal man was now engaged and soon to be married to someone else, all in a matter of weeks.
There was anger, hate, love, and an overwhelming sense of confusion due to the complete shock that the person I was falling in love with was nothing but a complete lie. I couldn’t even find any explanation for his actions because the person I knew had vanished.
I was driving on my way to work the day of his wedding knowing that we had mutual acquaintances, so obviously I was going to see the celebration on social media. And while he and my acquaintances were celebrating what marriage is, I thought about how it was a big lie and an unmeasurable disappointment because of the things that I thought to be promised to me.
There were unstoppable tears running down my face and I had to stop my car and pull aside because I could not control myself. I was so bound to my feelings and pain that my body could not longer respond.
All I can remember doing as I pulled aside was singing “HALLELUJAH, GOD YOU REIGN!” My body was shaking, my eyes just balling tears, and my mind found in complete chaos! But as crazy as I thought it was, all I knew how to do at that moment was to lift my praise to the one who deserves it. Without having to place much thought into it, I felt so much comfort in remembering that like a father takes care of his children, my father was taking care of me.
God was comforting my natural human pain and turned my sorrow into a praise that was far from my own strength. It was hard for me to understand, but it was all due to me being his and him being mine. The praise that came out lifted my spirit. It was a praise that I did not recognize, but at the same time it was one of the best moments that I have had with God. I could feel his tangible spirit surrounding me and reassuring me that He is my father and He does not forsake me!
This may sound similar to your story, because even in the Christian settings of dating there can be so much wrong due to our decision making and the selfishness that we carry as individuals.
Now, I look back at those moments in my life where chaos and emotional pain were the epicenter of my suffering, but even then God was greater. God was still God and in the midst of the pain HE WAS STILL GOOD TO ME.
The seasons we go through are for us to learn, to live, and to experience. Without any of these experiences I would not be the person that God is making out of me. Even when I thought I would never get on my feet and put myself back, I knew that God was breaking me to mold me into a better person. He was making me someone who would be able to share a story of pain that he turned into something beautiful for the sake of his goodness.
Now I find myself serving God and doing ministry. These are some of the dreams that God has already promised to me as he continues to move every piece of my life into his perfect will.
If you are in a painful season, let my story reckon that our GOD, our FATHER, has and will always take care of you! He will make painful seasons a testimony of his greater good for the sake of his glory.