Will I ever be a mother?
Updated: Jun 18, 2020
Being single is often so much more than just not having a life partner. Who wouldn't want to meet the one and have a life with them? Being single can be beautiful most days, but some days it can feel so overwhelming. Most people may think the only trouble is that you haven’t found the one but often it runs much deeper than that. It also means that you have not had the opportunity to start a family. Sometimes I look through social media and see my friends having babies and seeing their families grow and to be honest, I long for that. To see a part of me in a small little being would be a dream come true. Sometimes it feels like being single robs me of the opportunity to be a mother. In my twenties I knew at the end of the day I still had a lot of time for this to happen in my life. Now I sit here at 33 years old and know that time doesn't look the same anymore. The idea that if I don’t meet the man God has for me, I may never get to experience what it is to have a child of my own. I would be lying if I didn’t say that scares me so much some days.
I think I have often longed to be a mother even more than a wife. That is just me being totally honest. Coming to terms with the fact that it may never happen for me really has the potential to create some tough days. I know 33 is still young and it can still happen but what if it doesn't? Will I be mad at God? Will I be bitter with God? Will I trust that this must be his perfect plan for me? The truth is I would hope to find peace in it all, but I may have days where it will be really hard. Knowing that my family and friends want me to meet someone and start a family is often a heavy burden to carry. Especially when you already are dealing with the fear of none of that happening.
I went to my first missionettes camp when I was about eight or nine years old. If you don’t know what missionettes is picture it like Christian girls scouts with a pentecostal fire to it. I was a little girl but I remember it like it was yesterday. I remember one of the speakers telling us to put our hands over our hearts and pray for our future husband. She told us to pray that God would take care of him. She then had us put our hands over our tummy and pray that our future children would be healthy and love Jesus. Till this day I have done this off and on in my life. Praying and waiting for both my husband and my children. Wanting it so bad that at times I was willing to sacrifice all those prayers to be with someone who is the complete opposite of who I dreamed I would be with. A carbon copy instead of waiting for the man God had for me. I feel like I have let that little girl version of myself down so many times. I have let her down by going against her prayers and dreams, and I feel like I have disappointed her because I haven’t met the man she prayed for or bared the children she prayed for. The child version of myself had no idea what was in store. A lot of times I wish I would have done better by her in so many ways.
I have not always made the best choices but one thing I can be proud of and I know she would be too is that I am moving forward. You see, I didn’t just learn to pray for a husband and kids at that camp, I also learned what it was to have a relationship with God. To talk to him, to trust in him, and live for him. I have messed that up from time to time but everyday I am striving to move forward and get stronger in the Lord and my calling. Many times the enemy wants to remind us of everything we don’t have and distract us from what we do have. I have a beautiful life! I have amazing parents and family members that I know would do anything for me. I have friends that I can laugh with and do life with. I have a job that doesn't even feel like a job because I love it so much. I have new opportunities knocking on my door and so many other blessings. I have so much to be grateful for. Yes, some days I will see all these things and wish I can trade them for a husband and kids. I am human and not everyday is a “look at the bright side” kinda day. But why should I have to trade one for the other? Maybe God is telling me to enjoy the season I am in. Even if I stay in this season of singleness my whole life, I would never call it a bad life but a blessed life.
I had an amazing man of God speak over my life when I was 31 years old. He said that he felt God saying I was going to be a mother to many. He said he didn’t know if it would be physically or spiritually. I had another minister tell me this year that I had the potential to pour into someone that would bring thousands to the Lord. I can’t help but think I will be a spiritual mother for sure! And well, that is pretty cool if you ask me. I think that is something little Krystal would think is pretty great too.
Like I said when I started this, some days being single is beautiful. Some days it is really hard and feels like you are being cheated. Writing this blog is not going to change that for me and reading this blog is not going to change that for you. What is does do is tells us that we are not alone in these feelings. Some days you may feel mad, you may feel sad, you may feel angry, you may feel crazy, but that is ok. It is human to want these things! Some days you won’t want to be around couples and some days you will. Somedays you don’t want people to ask you if you are excited for your wedding day and some days you want to dream about it with someone! Sometimes when people ask you if you want kids it is going to be a little more painful than other days. I have been there, keeping a composed and happy face when at the moment you are nothing but the opposite of that. You are not alone and your season is not in vain. My God has never failed me and He isn’t gonna start now.
Like so many other things, I have to put motherhood in the hands of my God and see what He has in store for me. Whether he sees it fit for me to get married and have children or not, I will strive to live each day for him. In my good days and in my bad days I will trust that my God is enough and that my God is in control.